When you tell someone you have a winter due date, their reaction is always “How cozy!” and “So snuggly!” What people fail to tell you (or perhaps are guarding you from) is the deep isolation and cabin fever that can come with having a newborn during the shortest, darkest days. You can’t just pop out for a walk to relieve fussiness, you have to scrape ice off your car on the way to the pediatrician, and strangers tell you “Put a hat on that baby!” promptly after said baby has ripped it off their head. What’s more, it becomes hard to distinguish postpartum depression from seasonal depression, the two acting as accelerants for each other. This is why bears hibernate, you repeat to yourself.
But just when you think you might snap from the cold and the cries, your baby smiles at you, starts to love tummy time, or has their first long sleep stretch. You begin to emerge from the dismal newborn trenches just as the first buds are flowering on the trees. And, slowly but surely, the world starts to bloom, and it makes you realize that maybe the timing was right after all.
What to say to friends struggling with fertility
We’ve become fascinated with the term “sonder,” which is the realization that every person you pass is living a life as layered, vivid, and emotionally charged as your own. Each person is the center of their own story and is quietly (or sometimes not-so-quietly) dealing with challenges, worries, and adversity. It reminded us about the complexity of life and how nothing is guaranteed.
That’s why the way we approach the vulnerable or uncomfortable questions is so very important. It’s obviously impossible to know what fertility treatments feel like if you haven’t experienced them and everyone reacts differently. But there are some appropriate ways to show up for your friends and loved ones during these times. Below, we outline some of the most common coping phrases with suggestions for what to try instead. (We’re serious about the gift card, btw.)
—Lauren Bell Martin and Jess Mayhugh
“When are you having kids?”
Try: You know your relationships best, and, if you feel close to someone, it seems totally appropriate to ask them about their family-building journey. But kids aren’t necessarily an easy part of the plan, or even an absolute.
“Try not to stress so much, you need to relax to conceive.”
Try: Buy them a massage gift card. That’s it. That’s the suggestion.
“You can always just do IVF.”
Try: If someone is even close to considering fertility treatments, let them bring that up to you, not the other way around. You can say that you’re sorry it’s come to this and that you’re proud of them for making that decision. Two things can be true!
“Don’t you want your kid to have a sibling?”
Try: “You know who are only children? Gandhi, Jesus Christ, and Laura Dern.”
“At least you can have fun trying.”
Try: Empathize with them that it’s usually very much the opposite, and that having sex to conceive can feel more methodical than mind-blowing.
“I got pregnant by accident.”
Try: Breaking the news that you are pregnant to a friend who is struggling with fertility issues is a very tough task. Avoid stressing how easy it was for you or how guilty you feel. Tell them the news in a straightforward way and offer space and time for them to process if they need it.
“Have you tried losing weight?”
Try: Literally anything else.
“Why isn’t it working?”
Try: Be a listening ear to hear about their process, not necessarily with comment. Often, people find it helpful to explain all of the steps just to wrap their own mind around it.
“If it’s meant to be, it will happen when it’s supposed to.”
Try: The whole “things happen for a reason” mantra generally doesn’t sit well with anyone going through a difficult time. Just a simple “I’m sorry,” “this sucks,” or “it’s so unfair” can go a long way.
“Your biological clock is ticking!”
Has anyone said this since the 1989 release of Look Who’s Talking? We certainly hope not.
Sun protection picks that are making my life easier
This time of year, we are eternally grateful for the big, warm ball in the sky. While outdoor activities suddenly become possible, just as quickly you realize you need to shield your baby (and yourself) from the sun. Below are some of our favorite ways to stay shady in a good way. —LBM
We are a Tubby Todd house, especially the All Over Ointment, which helps with eczema, rashes, and dryness. When my kids get a little pink from the sun, I feel like the worst parent in the world, but just a dab of this miracle cream and their sunburn—and my guilt—will fade by morning. (I also use it on myself because I’m pale and irresponsible.)
Mineral SPF 50 Sunscreen Stick for them, Sunglaze Sheer Body Mist SPF 42 for you, and protecting Scalp & Hair Mist SPF 30 for all.
I don’t know what I love more, the sun protection of this toddler beach tent, or the small foldable carrying case that makes it so much easier to bring everywhere.
I’m obsessed with children’s clothes that look like they came out of an adult’s closet. It’s similar to seeing those mini Tabasco bottles. So yes, I did purchase these Rectangular kids sunglasses and Wavy kids sunglasses from Zara that will most likely get lost or broken. At least I’ll get some cute photos of them while they last.
There are so many TikToks/Reels about how to style these in a cool way. Unfortunately I look like a pirate in all of them. Still, very into this trend—for everyone else.
Bucket hats are back, baby, and as a Blossom lover, I’m buzzin’. This checkerboard hat is an edgier upgrade from my sunflower-adorned version from the ’90s.
And for Mom, this Woven Straw Bucket Hat hides our unwashed sweaty hair while still giving the impression that we care about our looks.
Understanding the fundamentals of fertility treatment with Dr. Shelley Dolitsky
Standing on the edge of a fertility treatment cliff is daunting. Once you take the leap and decide to pursue IUI or IVF, you’re thrown into a world of timelines, medications, insurance, and never-ending appointments. So where do you even start? We talked with Dr. Shelley Dolitsky, a reproductive endocrinologist (REI) who practices at Shady Grove Fertility, about what to know before you begin, how she trains her team to be more sensitive, and what Paris Hilton has to do with all this. —JM
On how long to wait before seeking reproductive assistance
If you’re getting a regular menstrual cycle every month and you’re under the age of 35, it really should be a year before presenting for an evaluation. Over 35, it’s six months. And then if you’re 40 or above, you should just come in for an evaluation. Those guidelines have been around for a very long time. And when it comes to also just millennials in general, we’re not really patient people. It’s incredibly hard to wait a full year, and it’s not like you’re going to pursue treatment when you walk in the door. So I always tell people it’s reasonable to come in a little bit earlier if you’re feeling anxious—with the understanding that maybe we just check everything, and make sure it looks okay.
During the process of looking into your fertility, you’re still trying to get pregnant. I have patients who are doing the prescreening process and get pregnant that month, which is fantastic. But just know that from the time of your first appointment to the time that you initiate treatment is typically going to be a minimum of three months. So coming in a little bit earlier is never an unreasonable thing.
On which type of treatment to pursue
Timed intercourse is for patients who are not ovulating regularly, so the egg and the sperm just aren’t meeting. And then once we can help them initiate ovulation, then they can do timed intercourse because they haven’t even tried the sperm and the egg getting together yet. For everyone else, it’s really a conversation. If you’re under 38, I generally recommend starting with IUI, unless there’s a tubal blockage or male-factor [infertility]. And then over 38, I usually recommend starting with IVF. There are other factors, though. If you have a history or family history of endometriosis, that might fast-track it.
We also have to get a global sense of family-building. If you’re 32 and already having trouble and you want three kids, it’s not unreasonable to do IVF and bank embryos for the future. That’s a very large part of my primary infertility population. Of course, a lot of this stuff also unfortunately comes down to insurance. I tell all my patients, we’re not talking about fertility treatment unless we’re talking about money. It gets really expensive really fast if your insurance doesn’t want to cover it. And if they’re going to tell you that you need to do three IUIs before IVF, then we’re going to do that, right?
“Everyone else is saying to you, ‘Oh, this is so exciting. Congratulations!’ and you’re just waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
On support for those undergoing fertility treatments
Even for someone who’s a very private person, it’s important to have someone outside of your partner that you can lean on. Because I have found, especially when it comes to fertility treatments, people react to things differently. Let’s say you have a miscarriage and one partner is like, ‘Let’s keep going.’ They thought of that pregnancy as a due date, and now they’re like, ‘Let’s get going so we can get another due date on the books.’ And the other person’s like, ‘I just carried a baby and I need time to process.’ So there’s always that normal tension, even if you have the most supportive partner. Whereas you can have a friend or a family member who’s been through it or not, just someone where you don’t have to filter yourself at all and just unload on completely.
It’s really hard coming into the office all the time, putting your life on pause, and navigating all the emotions. Of course, therapy is very important to have throughout the treatments and the pregnancy. Pregnancy after infertility and pregnancy after loss can be very challenging. Everyone else is saying to you, ‘Oh, this is so exciting. Congratulations!’ and you’re just waiting for the other shoe to drop. My first daughter was born at 26 weeks. She was 1 pound and in the hospital for three and a half months. Before I was even able to process what had happened, the first thing they said to me was, ‘You need to get yourself a therapist. This is not going to be an easy road.’ That really helped me get through it.
On how medical providers care for their own mental health
Sometimes I feel like I’m getting whiplash. Literally today, I have a patient who previously miscarried, and I just got to call her and tell her she’s pregnant, and it’s amazing. And I clicked to my next patient and she had an ultrasound that had a heartbeat, and now there’s not one. It just feels like you’re constantly waffling from good to bad. I try very hard to disconnect when I get home as much as possible. Or take a walk outside for 20 minutes in the middle of the day.
On better patient care at fertility clinics
In general, we see things all the time so it can become very normal to us. I tell my team to really focus on the person and stay grounded and realize that, this may be one of 10 people you’ve seen this week that has a blocked tube, but for them, they are in disbelief. Similarly, IVF is something that is so routine to all of us, but the decision to go into IVF is a huge deal to patients.
The type of communication is key. If you’re just sending off messages in the portal, it’s easy to think of someone as just a name and not a person. I know my team tries to make sure we are checking in by phone during a cycle, and getting a sense of who these people are. I find that, for 90 percent of people, their immediate reaction to bad news is, ‘Okay, what’s next?’ Some people need to grieve, but most people want to talk out next steps. And I want to give them that opportunity.
On the flaws of the medical system
I can’t tell you how devastating it is for me when I have patients that cannot afford what they need to build the family they want. It feels impossible to sit in front of somebody and say, ‘I have the technology to help you, but this is going to bankrupt you.’ Right now, fertility treatments aren’t considered a necessity [by insurance companies]. Just this past week, I had two patients make an appointment, and then realize that they were going to need to pay for the initial appointment out of pocket, and they ended up canceling.
There is still a stigma when it comes to fertility treatments that perpetuates the idea of considering them elective. It was recently reported that Paris Hilton did IVF because she wants to “pick” boy/girl twins; that whole concept of designer babies is unfortunately perpetuated in the media. More education needs to be done to remind people that it can be a medical necessity. Advocacy programs, like Resolve.org as an example, are constantly working on this, going to Congress to get insurance companies to lower prices. We’re making strides and taking steps in the right direction.
Mobile midwifery clinics are helping fill the gaps in maternal healthcare in certain parts of the country.
Holly Humberstone’s Cruel World makes us feel like we’re singing into a hairbrush in the mirror of our teenage bedrooms.
These Aloha Collection pouches were given to us by a friend (who happens to copy edit this newsletter; hi Catherine!) and they’re great to store wet diapers, wet swimsuits, wet everything.
The new New York Times Midi is perfect for when you want to feel smart in under five minutes.
Lauren is going to put you all onto her Starbucks order because we don’t gatekeep, and it’s possibly life-changing? An iced shaken espresso with oat milk and two pumps of the toasted coconut syrup, no classic. Thank her later.
I put socks on Cole for the first time, and then was promptly informed that they were mittens. —JM
