Parenting Through a Cancer Diagnosis

There is perhaps no greater gesture than giving over your body to someone you love. Parents know this all too well. We lend out our bodies every day without question—laps to sit on or shoulders to rest against, backs to climb atop or limbs, tingling from numbness, to use as pillows. But then there is the above-and-beyond stuff. Like fighting through a terrifying disease for your family, donating stem cells to your brother, or carrying a set of twins on behalf of a family who can’t conceive. These acts are so selfless, so sacrificial, so shape-shifting that they are hard to put into words. That’s why we are extra grateful to those who have.

By Drew and Casey Baker

The day I was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia, our children were 4 years old, 2 years old, and 9 months old, respectively. On a Sunday morning, I went to urgent care after weeks of feeling progressively more exhausted. By that evening, we knew I had some type of cancer. By Monday afternoon, we learned it was acute myeloid leukemia. I don’t think we fully understood what that meant. We only knew what the oncologist told us. He said this would be the hardest thing I would ever do and that I needed treatment immediately. But he also told me I was young, otherwise healthy, and needed to remain determined to fight. He didn’t tell us the survival statistics. Instead, he gave us hope. His attitude shaped ours from the very beginning.

How do you explain leukemia to a 4-year-old when you’re still trying to understand it yourself? At first, we told them, “Daddy was very sick and needed to go to the hospital to get better.” They had noticed how tired I had been, so that explanation made sense. We didn’t burden them with details they couldn’t understand, but we also never lied to them. That afternoon, I told my siblings and children, shaved my head, and packed our bags. I didn’t want the kids to be surprised by how different I looked the next time they saw me, so I asked them to help shave my head. We had only a few hours together between learning how serious the diagnosis was and being admitted to the hospital.

For 33 days, the closest we came to being together was through a window at Johns Hopkins Hospital. Our families brought the kids to the parking lot below my fifth-floor room. My wife Casey and I called them while watching from above as they waved, danced, and covered the pavement with sidewalk chalk. They didn’t understand why they couldn’t come inside, but they knew where Daddy was. Every visit reminded us why we were fighting. There were days when I didn’t feel like eating, walking, or even getting out of bed. But I wasn’t fighting only for myself. I was fighting for three little children who needed their dad. 

We explained leukemia in simple terms. We told them my body was making the wrong blood cells instead of healthy ones. Sometimes our bodies make mistakes, we explained, and no one really knows why. Chemotherapy had to destroy the unhealthy cells before healthy ones could take their place. As the months and years passed, our conversations grew alongside them. Our middle child began asking, “Daddy, are you going to die?” We answered him honestly, “Yes, someday I will. We all will. I just don’t know when. I’m hoping that day is a very long time from now, and I’m doing everything I can to get better.” It wasn’t the answer he wanted, but it was the truth. As they grew older, so did their questions.

What wound up in our Amazon cart this month

Every month, we’ll take a look back at our Amazon orders and let you know what random shit ended up in our cart. Maybe it will help you solve your own set of life problems, or at the very least give you a voyeuristic glimpse into ours. —Lauren Bell Martin and Jess Mayhugh

Three-time surrogate Debbie Kelbaugh shares her story.

After realizing that pregnancy came relatively easy to her, Debbie Kelbaugh decided to look into surrogacy. Once she went through the proper logistics in the fall of 2006, she was matched up with a couple in less than two weeks. Over the next four years, she became pregnant with three sets of twins and changed the lives of three different families.

Though hard for some of us to fathom, Kelbaugh says she loves being pregnant (she carried her own two children before ever being a surrogate). “I’m on top of the world when I’m pregnant,” she says today. “Sounds a little funny, but carrying humans makes me feel more alive.” Here, she talks about the emotional and physical toll of surrogacy, how she dealt with backlash, and what it’s like to keep in touch with the babies she birthed nearly 20 years later. —JM

How did the idea of being a surrogate first come into your world?
I worked at a family birth place, and I met a lady who was a surrogate. I sat and talked to her and realized, “Oh, I want to do that.” I had really good pregnancies with my two girls. If it’s that easy for me, I want to help others. I talked to my OB about it and my OB sent me to the fertility center at the hospital. I filled out paperwork, did some blood tests, and had counseling sessions. They told me it would take about six months before I heard from a couple, and I didn’t even have to wait two weeks until they called and said they got a match for me. We all met at a restaurant and hit it off right away. For the first surrogacy, I didn’t take any fertility drugs and I got pregnant on the first embryo transfer.

Why do you like being pregnant so much?
I believe I was born to have babies; I think that was one of my callings in life. I was a bit nauseous with my first surrogacy pregnancy, and I had kidney stones at the end, so they had to do some non-stress tests to make sure the babies were okay. But passing those stones was the worst part. And I had some back issues with all my pregnancies, but that was it.

What was different about the pregnancies when you were carrying for yourself versus others?
When I decided to be a surrogate, everyone was like, “How are you gonna do this? You’re such a baby person. You’re going to be depressed when you can’t bring a baby home.” But going into it, I did counseling. We talked about how I was the incubator. I was just holding the babies to give them to the parents. That counselor was wonderful; I recommended her to other people doing surrogacy. But she really mentally prepared me that I had a job to do—to carry these babies for those who can’t. With my own babies, I just knew they were mine. I looked at the screen and thought, “that’s my child.” I also was way more cautious when I was carrying other people’s babies. I had crab cakes once during my first pregnancy, but then never any seafood. But with my own children, I ate seafood. I just never wanted to take any chances when it was for other people.

You had twins with all three of your [surrogate] pregnancies, right?
Yes. But during my third pregnancy at 18 weeks, my blood test came back and things did not look good. So we had to do an emergency ultrasound and one of the babies had demised. For me, I was worried about what I did wrong and I had to get over that. It was just how the baby implanted and the baby wasn’t getting enough nourishment at that point. I really had to process that and it took me a while. But once I delivered the living baby, it became not as heavy anymore. It made me relate more to the parents I was helping, who had once seen heartbeats and then didn’t anymore. Even though it wasn’t my baby I was mourning, I understood what it felt like. Out of all the pregnancies, the third mom and I became the closest because we went through the loss together.

Did you ever have any feelings of apprehension after you gave birth?
The day that I delivered the first set of twins, I will never forget the parents coming into the room. My husband was worried how I would interact with them or how I would feel. I just said, “Here are your babies,” and the look on the mom’s face—she just totally lit up. I knew that’s what I did this for. I never felt like I was missing anything. They were the parents. It was never bittersweet, always more of a comfort feeling that the babies are here and they are healthy. I felt relief.

And then your second surrogacy was for a same-sex couple?
It was such a cool gift to give them. There was an attorney that worked for Shady Grove that contacted me after my first pregnancy. She had asked me if I would be interested in another surrogacy. After a month, I said yes. She told me, “Here’s the catch, it’s for two men,” and I said, “What’s the catch? That doesn’t bother me at all.” Sadly, they already had a surrogate out in California and she took them for a ride. She sent them fake ultrasound images that she got offline, and it was just terrible.

When I met them, I just fell in love with them. We talked about everything. I remember one of them saying, “This is gonna be fun! I’ve never seen a vagina before!” It was a great pregnancy and we would always go out to dinner with my husband, and we would mess with the waitresses and try to make them guess how we were all related. They were in the room and watched their babies be born. They each supplied sperm and they had an egg donor, so they each have a biological child out of the one pregnancy.

Is there a common misconception about surrogacy?
I had a lot of people that were religious tell me it’s not proper. My comment always was, “If it wasn’t proper, I wouldn’t be carrying these children.” These people deserve to be parents. I really got backlash [when I was a surrogate for] the guys, but I held my ground. I would tell people, “This is my body and this is what I want to do with it.” It does take a toll on you physically. Going through pregnancies with multiples so close together did ultimately lead to me having to have a hysterectomy. I have my scars, of course. And I’ll always have my kangaroo pouch, but that’s what made those babies possible.

Have you kept in touch with the families you carried for?
Yes! About every three months, the guys will text me and send me photos. The third family now lives on the West Coast and we stay in touch. I just went to the high school graduation for my first twins. I wasn’t expecting to be emotional, but I was. They are such great kids. Their parents raised them so well, and I’m so happy they have them. When I walked in, the boy said, “Thank you for birthing me,” and I thought that was the funniest thing. I consider myself Aunt Debbie to all of them.

What advice would you have for future surrogates interested in this work
Definitely do counseling first. Make sure your mind is in the right place, that you’re not going to feel the need to mother those babies. After I had my first set of twins, I was in a group with surrogates. We would talk to other women that wanted to do it. You might think it’s easy, but you really have to get into the right mindset. These babies are theirs. Include the parents in the process as much as you can, and it will make it so much easier in the end.

“My husband brought me coffee in bed. It tasted a little weird but, hey, it’s coffee in bed. I went to the kitchen to refill my cup, and realized he used FORMULA instead of creamer.” —Folly reader Ashleigh B.

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